I did it for the lulz

Let me start off the post by saying that I know Jeopardy gives you the answer (which is the question), and then you give Alex (that pompous ass) your response in the form of a question (which is the answer). While typing this post, however, I thought it would be confusing to the reader if I referred to the answer (which is the question) as such, and the question (which is the answer) as such. I'm going to call the answer the question, and the question the answer. Confused yet? Read on....

Okay, so on Thursday's (11-19) Jeopardy, there was a question in which I thought the answer strippers applied. Boy, oh boy, was I wrong. The category was Un-Outsourceable (jobs that are not likely to go overseas). Let me first tell you what I thought the question was:

These public service workers who traditionally slide down a pole

Notice the word service. I obviously wasn't paying very good attention, because the actual wording was this (I looked it up on the Internet just now):

These public safety workers who traditionally slide down a pole

The answer was, of course, "What is a fireman." I spent pretty much the rest of the show complaining to my grandma (whom I watch the show with) that my answer would have been acceptable. I even went on about how it was a Celebrity Jeopardy, and one of the celebrities should have just said it for the laughs. I also argued with my grandma that strippers provide a public service just like a fireman (and they do!).

Anyways, I just thought I would share that.

Ken, you're doing it wrong

I don't know, maybe I suck at life, but I just don't understand people who get so excited over certain things. This is in reference to the Twilight movie that just came out. I just don't understand people who get so excited to see a movie, or read a book, or play a game, that they have to stay up until midnight to do it.

First off, I want to state that I have never and will never read the Twilight books (or see the movies). I know a little bit about them, from talking to a few people who have read them, and they just don't seem to be for me. Sparkling vampires, to me, are lame. Vampires that don't drink human blood, and have no fangs anyway, are super lame. These things probably aren't central to the plot or anything (maybe?), but you throw in the fact that it's basically a romance novel with vampires, and I have no interest in reading/seeing it.

Now, I'm not some sort of a snob who turns his nose up to a book/movie just because it's popular. I've read/seen all the Harry Potter books/movies and I enjoyed them all. Sure, they aren't the best books/movies I've read/seen, but I enjoyed them nonetheless. I've just never been so excited about them that I would even consider staying up until midnight just to be one of the first to read/see the latest book/movie.

When it comes to games, something I spend most of my time doing, I don't even get that excited. I'm not a big gamer by any stretch of the imagination, but I do play a game called World of Warcraft. Some people who are big gamers may view me, as a World of Warcraft player, the same way I view the Twilight fans (i.e. lame). However, the two reasons I play are a) it kills a lot of time and b) it's relatively cheap. I can't afford to do much else right now, and at only 15 dollars a month, I get a lot of bang for my buck. Anyway, on to my point.

Last November, Blizzard (the company that makes WoW) came out with an expansion for the game. There was a midnight release around where I live, and for the briefest of seconds, I thought about going. I thought to myself though, "Why do it? It won't kill me to wait until the morning." At that point, I decided to wait until the morning and I was right. It didn't kill me to wait.

So, my first question is the question I asked myself. Why do it? Why go to the midnight release of something? Do you go to prove to everybody how big of a fan you are? Do you go because you want to be all hip and trendy? Do you go so that you can tell everybody that you went? Do you go to just pass the time, out of sheer boredom? Do you go just because it's something to do?

My second question is from the opening thought of this post. Why do people get so excited over certain things? And this doesn't just apply to movies, books and video games. Some people get really excited to see a band/concert (I have never went to see a band before and I have no desire to go to a concert). Some people get super excited to meet a celebrity/sports star (I guess it would be cool to meet my favorite celebrity/sports star, but I would never send them fan mail or actively seek them out). Some people get excited to go to a sporting event (I've went to sporting events before, but I don't even cheer or scream when something good happens for my team).

I don't know, maybe I'm not normal, maybe I'm not human. Maybe I'm doing it wrong. And I've always been like this, for as long as I can remember. Anyways, I know that these questions will go unanswered, seeing as how no one reads this. They are pretty much rhetorical questions anyway, so there. Five Internets go to anyone who answering them though.

Why I Hate Fantasy Football

I'm going full disclosure here, I used to play fantasy football. However, what happened this past weekend reminded me of one of the reasons why I no longer participate in it.

If you didn't see the Jaguars-Jets game (don't worry, I didn't either), then you might of missed what happened. The score was 22-21 in favor of the Jets. With under 2 minutes on the clock in the fourth quarter, the Jaguars had the ball on the Jets 10 yard line (in the red zone) driving for a score to win the game. Keep in mind that the Jets didn't have any timeouts to stop the clock.

The Jaguars quarterback (Garrard) hands the ball off to the running back (Jones-Drew). Jones-Drew runs through the hole, and none of the Jets defensive players are trying to tackle him. The Jets want the ball, and they know that the only way they are going to get it back is if they let him score. Jones-Drew does the smart thing though and falls down at the 1 yard line, allowing the clock to continue to run.

If you didn't understand what was going on by my explanation, watch this video.

If he would have scored, the Jaguars would have been winning 27-22 (with the extra point pending), but the Jets would have gotten the ball back with about 1:30 left on the clock and a chance to win. He didn't score though, so the Jaguars were able to run down the clock by taking a knee a few times and then calling a timeout with only seconds left. The Jaguars kicker (Scobee) kicked the game-winning field goal, as time expired, making the final score 24-22 Jaguars.

Those of you who don't play fantasy football may be asking, "What does any of this have to do with fantasy football." Well, in fantasy football, touchdowns are worth big points and running backs typically score the most. Since running backs score the most, people draft them early and often. So, when Jones-Drew didn't score that touchdown, a lot of his fantasy owners were pissed. He even apologized to them after the game, and he also said that he had himself on his fantasy team, so it was a tough decision for him.

Now, I have no problem with people who play fantasy football, so don't get it twisted. If you enjoy playing it, by all means, do it. It just isn't for me anymore. I used to be like the fantasy owners that were/are mad at Jones-Drew. I couldn't watch a game without thinking about the fantasy football implications. It was no longer enjoyable, at least to me, to actually watch a game. Fantasy football got in the way of my enjoyment of the game, so I stopped doing it.

Well, that's all I have to say about that. You stay classy San Diego.

Thank you to all the Veterans

I would just like to take some time out of my day to write a post thanking all the Veterans out there. I am referring to all past, present and future Veterans, but I will try to stick with the present tense in this post.

You are doing a job that I know I could never do. I don't think that you get enough credit for the sacrifices you make everyday. To be away from home for great lengths of time, not able to see your friends and family, that alone is tough enough. Add to it the fact that your life is in danger on a daily basis, that you have to shoot at people, get shot at, deal with bombs, landmines, IEDs and the fucking ice capades. Those two simple truths are enough to make me realize that I could never do what you do. You are all very brave and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I know that I sometimes take my freedoms for granted. Everyone does, at one time or another. Without you though, I wouldn't be able to say whatever the hell I feel like saying. I wouldn't be able to do whatever I feel like doing. I wouldn't be typing this right now. These are all things that I enjoy doing, and without you, I wouldn't be able to do them. So I thank you for that.

And no matter how unhappy I am sometimes, about life and the way the world works, I know that I have it pretty good in this country. It isn't perfect by any stretch of the imagination, and I don't always like it, but I know that I wouldn't be as happy somewhere else. This is the country for me and I'm happy to have been born here. Thank you to all the Veterans for making this country a great place to live. Without you, that most certainly wouldn't be the case.

I'm sure everyone knows at least one Veteran, so be sure to thank them today. They need to know that what they do does not go unnoticed or unappreciated. We must recognize the sacrifices they make for us and today is the day to recognize those sacrifices. That's not to say that you shouldn't recognize those sacrifices any other day, but today it is especially important to recognize the Veterans and to thank them.

In closing, thank you to all the Veterans out there!

My apologies to Billy Mays

It has recently come to my attention that Billy Mays did NOT, I repeat did NOT, die from a cocaine overdose. I made a joke in my previous post, and while it was a joke, I feel the need to clear Billy Mays' good name.

The Mays family disputed the conclusions of the autopsy and paid for an independent examiner to review it. The independent examiner found that cocaine did not contribute to Billy's death, so the initial conclusions made by the Hillsborough County Medical Examiner were wrong.

I'm sure most people will remember the initial report of Billy dying from a cocaine overdose and forget about what actually happened. Billy dying from a cocaine overdose was sensational news to the media, so they jumped all over reporting it. However, the actual facts weren't as good of a story, so they briefly mentioned that he did not die from a cocaine overdose and moved along to the next story.

I am not blaming the media entirely, so don't get me wrong. It is also my fault for not waiting for all the facts to come out and jumping to conclusions. However, I just find it funny that I didn't hear anything about the retraction made by the media, yet I heard a lot more about the initial reports of a cocaine overdose. Remember, this is coming from someone who rarely watches the news, so it just goes to show you how the media operates.

I would also like to say that, even though I made the joke in my previous post, I have always liked Billy Mays. In my opinion, his death was more tragic than Michael Jackson's death. At least Billy was still at the top of his game, unlike MJ who was many years on the decline. And even if Billy did do coke, at least he didn't molest little boys. Maybe I'm wrong about that too though, maybe MJ didn't do that either.

Anyway, I'll leave you with my favorite infomercial done by Billy Mays.

YouTube Video

Ken's Guide to Keeping Away Vampires

With the rapid approach of Halloween, I'm often asked how to keep away vampires. Oh, and before we begin, we're not talking about those lame-ass "sparkling" vampires from the Twilight series of books. We're talking about real, blood sucking, obsessive-compulsive, garlic-fearing vampires. So, if you're looking for a foolproof way to remain among the living this Halloween, read on.

Please have the following items on hand (in order of use)

• A goat


• A Snuggie (or some type of robe)


• A knife


• A piece of chalk


• A chair that spins


• A mirror


• A bulb of garlic

Okay, before we begin, please make sure you're in a room that has enough space to do stuff. Don't do this in your closet or something. If you're a little squeamish, you might need a friend who is not to do this part.

First things first, bring your goat into the room (any livestock will work really, I just prefer to use goats). Put on your Snuggie and grab your knife (this is the gross part). Slit the goat's throat and let the blood drain onto the floor. If you can't bring yourself to kill the goat, put the goat outside and just use the piece of chalk for the next part (the ritual won't work as well, but it should work well enough).

Find a space of floor where you can draw something on it (preferably in the center of the room). You will be drawing a pentagram on the floor with goat's blood (or chalk, if you chickened out). If you don't know what a pentagram is, go and Google it, I'll wait. Okay, so you're back? Draw the pentagram on the floor and let it sit for five minutes (go feed the goat a tin can or something, since I know you didn't kill it).

Place your revolving chair over the pentagram. Go and grab your mirror, sit in the chair, and start spinning counter-clockwise. I know some of you kids don't know what counter-clockwise is, with the advent of digital time, so just spin (again, the ritual won't work as well if you spin clockwise, but it will work good enough).

Now, the next part is very important. You must shout the name BILLY MAYS three times (because we all know that three is the most magical number). Remember to keep spinning as you're shouting. If you did it right, the angel of Billy Mays will appear beside you (notice how oxiclean made his wings whiter and his halo brighter).

Stop spinning and go and get the bulb of garlic. Offer it to Billy (the coke will still be in his system, he'll probably think it's an apple). After Billy is done eating the garlic, tell him that you read that the ShamWow is better than the Zorbeez. This should get him to shout at you the virtues of the Zorbeez, filling the room with a garlicky smell. Let him go on for about 20 minutes, or until you think your room smells enough like garlic. Tell Billy that God is calling, and he'll zip straight back up to heaven.

I hope you enjoyed my instructions on how to keep away vampires. I guarantee it will work, or your money back!

Yo Obama, I'm really happy for you, I'mma let you finish...

but Al Gore had one of the best Nobel Peace Prizes of all-time.

I know I said, just yesterday, that I don't care about politics, but this has bothered me ever since I first heard about it. Let me start off by saying that I don't watch the news. I can't stand it, it does more harm than good, in my opinion. I mention the fact that I don't watch the news because I know some people may think that I heard it from a certain news source, or news channel, or what have you, and they will then assume that my opinion is effected by a certain media bias. Let me assure you though that this is not the case. I heard about this from people's statuses on Facebook.

With that out of the way, let me tell you what really bothered me. The people who were complaining about it, which were quite a few. Now, you may be saying to your self, "self, why is Ken complaining about people complaining about something he doesn't care about?" That is a very valid question. The reason for that is this. I don't think any of the people complaining can name five Nobel Peace Prize winners in the last 10 years. Probably not even 5 out of the last 50 years, but I use the 10 year time period to compare it to something (oh, and no being a smart-ass and Googling it either).

In the last ten years, I can name you five teams that won the Super Bowl:

2009: Pittsburg Steelers
2008: New York Giants
2007: Indianapolis Colts
2006: Pittsburg Steelers
2005: New England Patriots

In the last ten years, I can name you five teams that won the World Series:

2008: Philadelphia Phillies
2007: Boston Red Sox
2006: St. Louis Cardinals (This one hurts to remember)
2005: Chicago White Sox
2004: Boston Red Sox

Now, you may be saying that I merely looked these up on the Internet, but I can assure you that I did not. I wrote them down on a piece of paper, and then I went on the Internet to verify that I was right (I was). You may also be saying that I only named teams from the last five years, which is true. However, the reason for that is simple. I didn't really get in to football and baseball until around five years ago, give or take. So, to quell your opposition, I'll give you the following example.

In the last fifteen years, I can name you five teams that won the Stanley Cup:

1995: New Jersey Devils (THE PAIN)
1996: Colorado Avalanche (Ditto)
1997: Detroit Red Wings
1998: Detroit Red Wings
1999: Dallas Stars

Oh, and if you're not happy with the Detroit Red Wings being in there twice:

2000: New Jersey Devils
2001: Colorado Avalanche
2002: Detroit Red Wings

At this point, you're probably wondering what this has to do with anything. Well, I'm going to tell you. I actually care about football, baseball and hockey. Those of you who complained about Obama, however, do not care about who wins the Nobel Peace Prize. You probably care more about who is going to be on Dancing With the Stars or who is sleeping with who on [Insert TV Show You Watch Here]. Not that there's anything wrong with caring about those things, they just aren't the things that I care about. Just like who wins the Nobel Peace Prize isn't one of the things you care about, so why complain about it?

You may now be saying that Obama didn't deserve to win it, I know some people said that on Facebook. How would you know though? Do you know what it takes to win the Nobel Peace Prize? I highly doubt that you do, seeing as how you probably couldn't name five people who won it in the past. I know that I couldn't name five myself, so I guess you could argue that I'm just projecting myself onto other people, and drawing conclusions from it. I just don't think that's the case though.

I have two final things to say before I end this entry. My grandma told me that Obama is planning on donating the money he's receiving for this to charity. So, before you complain some more in my comments, think about that. And finally, check out this amusing video I found on YouTube a few weeks ago:

YouTube Video

You know what they say, always leave them laughing.